My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
You Might Also Like
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Spotted in New Orleans.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Milk Cube
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
honestly, i need both:
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”