Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
You Might Also Like
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
🪶
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.