The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
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Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
May never get over this
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’