Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
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Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
it be like that
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.