[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
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Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Wait a minute…
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be