I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
You Might Also Like
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
consequences, the bane of my existence