soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
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[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen