ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
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They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”