“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
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People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.