Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
What’s a Messi?
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing