My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
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my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Best spoiler warning ever
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*