My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
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winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space