My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
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The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
You’re the water to my grease fire.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.