It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
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Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.