you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
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Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
The Compass
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.