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I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎