I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
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10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
how was your vacation
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey