When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
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“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Mad Max Arctic Road
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.