I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
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Not recommended for beginners.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
*bites zombie*
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.