A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
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The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset