What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
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Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.