Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
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I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”