1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
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My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Yes my dude
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION