Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
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Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down