[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
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Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”