If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
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my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.