You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
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In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
We avoided this particular disaster
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you