Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
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Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs