When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
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I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.