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Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.