Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
You Might Also Like
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Muppet Screams
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Software Development ⛵️
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.