“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
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Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus