My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
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7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS