After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
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[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams