December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
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Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Brb my Sims are getting married
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…