Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
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6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
2023 was just a warmup
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Bless you
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold