Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
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girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Digital security in Ancient Troy
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.