Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
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*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea