Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
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[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.