Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
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[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I’m just playing devils avocado here
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!