No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
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Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Someone just threatened to call me later
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point