Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
You Might Also Like
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Bike for sale
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*