My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
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You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.