Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
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A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
me hitting on a model
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in