My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
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Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.