Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
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HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Just this preview of the story is enough
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.