“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
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The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!