Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
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Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
So we got a goldfish…
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.