Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
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“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]