Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
You Might Also Like
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close